Scared, tearful, angry, guilty, confused. It’s normal to experience mixed feelings when told a loved one has a life-limiting illness. Here’s how to get the support you need.
Think of the word grief and most people’s minds focus on the feelings that follow the death of a friend, family member, or pet. But there’s another type of grief – one that comes before a person dies. It’s called anticipatory grief – and it often happens when a loved one is diagnosed with a life-limiting illness or is nearing the end of their life.
In this situation, you may start to imagine what your life will be like without them, and how it might feel. ‘Our brains are brilliant at being able to plan, predict, and imagine,’ says Marianne Trent, a clinical psychologist whose work involves supporting people through different stages of grief.
‘When we learn someone is unwell and likely to die, the brain often races ahead and starts to draw conclusions and imagine scenarios of what it might be like when that person, pet, or even a time in our life is no longer around.’
UNDERSTANDING THE FEELINGS THAT COME WITH GRIEF
Like grief, anticipatory grief affects everyone differently. You may be numb to the situation, deny your feelings and behave as though nothing has changed, or become tearful and upset. So, don’t worry about reacting the wrong way, as there’s no right way to respond in these situations.
‘A common emotion is guilt,’ says Marianne. ‘People often feel that they’re making a fuss or drawing attention to themselves when [in their minds], their loved one “hasn’t even died yet”. But it’s important to recognise grief comes in stages and, where [a person] has warning about an impending loss, the anticipatory phase becomes just as important a stage to work through and be mindful of.’
There are many emotions that might be experienced. You might feel denial – not wanting to believe what’s happening. Anger is another response, at the injustice of the situation or the medical professionals who can’t make it better. You may also feel helpless about how unfair it feels.
SEEKING SUPPORT WHEN YOU NEED IT
Anticipatory grief is common and it can affect anyone of any age. It isn’t always easy to know what to do, however, if you see someone who seems to be struggling.
Marianne suggests that, if it feels appropriate to do so, you can ‘explain that this is a normal stage [and to] try to let them know how helpful talking can be.’ Marianne also says to check in with them regularly. ‘This is because people at all stages of grief can often find that there’s a conversational vacuum around them where no one seems to be talking about the person or animal [who’s unwell] or the thing [that’s changing].’
However, it’s also important not to take on too much yourself. Dealing with feelings – your own or others’ – can be hard, so be assured it’s always OK to talk to a trusted adult if you have any concerns for a friend or family member.
Hearing difficult news about a loved one is hard and sad. Anticipatory grief is one of many normal responses. Know that however you’re feeling, you’re not alone.
LEARNING TO LIVE WITH LOSS: 6 WAYS TO COPE
Everyone’s different, but here are six things to try if you’re experiencing anticipatory grief:
1 KEEP TALKING
‘Validating and processing your thoughts and feelings by talking to a trusted friend, adult, or therapist can be helpful,’ says Marianne. It can mean you feel well-supported, both now and after.
2 PUT FEELINGS ON PAPER
A diary or journal is one way to reflect on – and become more aware of – complicated emotions. This might help to process them later on.
3 CELEBRATE THE PERSON
If you feel up to it, think about what the person means to you. You may find it uplifting to talk about them and share memories with others who know them well. Chances are there’ll be tears as well as laughter – and both are OK.
4 ASK FOR HELP
You may find friends are awkward around the situation, as much as they want to be there for you. While others’ behaviour isn’t your responsibility, letting them know what you need can make things easier for everyone, whether it’s saying you’d like time to talk, that you’d appreciate doing something fun together, or you’d prefer to be quiet.
5 TAKE BREAKS
A walk in the park with a sibling, a cinema outing with friends, a day trip with your family. Think of activities that provide a change of scene and time to make memories with people you care about. It doesn’t mean you’re denying the reality of the situation – it’s OK to take time out.
6 BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Remember there’s no one way to grieve. Your feelings are valid.
If you or someone you know is grieving and finding it hard to cope, help and support can be found at griefline.org.au and kidshelpline.com.au.
WORDS: CAROLINE BUTTERWICK
This article was originally published under the title OK the Emotions in Issue 44 – With the Flow. You can get this issue here to enjoy more mindful inspiration.
