Recognising friendship insecurity for what it really is can help you put fears to rest and patch things up with pals.
The way people feel about friendships can change with the wind. One day it’s unimaginable that the bonds between you will ever break, the next you might convince yourself that your friends secretly hate you or will end up rejecting you. The worry that your friendships aren’t quite what they seem is sometimes referred to as friendship insecurity. While it may seem extreme, this type of catastrophic thinking isn’t unusual. It’s especially common if you haven’t been seeing your buddies as much as usual or are concerned you made a misstep in an interaction with them.
If it happens often, it can profoundly impact how people view their relationships, but there are ways to interpret the feeling and come to terms with it so you can move forward.
Why does it happen?
If a friend hasn’t been in touch for a while – or if you’ve started to see less of one another – this can prompt overthinking and worry. But, before anxiety takes hold, it’s worth considering what’s causing these cycles of thought.
Emma, a specialist in child and adolescent mental health, says friendship insecurity is often caused by deeper doubts about relationships: ‘Sometimes, our previous experiences – even of family relationships – haven’t always been great. This can create difficulties in forming attachments and we can become more anxious about other relationships – for example, assuming a friend is rejecting you if they haven’t got back to you quickly.’
This outlook is often fuelled by low self-esteem. Luckily, there are ways to work on bolstering how you see yourself. Another factor that drives this type of anxiety is the use of social media. As journalist Tanith, a child-behaviour specialist and author of The Friendship Maze, points out: ‘Friendship is now conducted through a blend of online and face-to-face contact and with a lot less “in real life” interaction. Social media prompts people to compare their relationships and social circles to others.’
Seeing a steady filter of social media posts can lead to a sense that your friendships somehow aren’t good enough in reality: ‘They feel their friendships aren’t as fun, fulfilling, or exciting as other people’s,’ adds Tanith. ‘Like all fears, this can create anxiety and insecurity.’
Reasonable doubt
Although much of friendship insecurity is rooted in overthinking, it’s also important to recognise that there are times when relationships do shift, drift, and change.
Everyone deserves fulfilling friendships, and if there’s one that frequently makes you feel uncertain, then it might be time to rethink its real value. There are many signs that a friendship has run its course, but if it’s all beginning to feel a bit too one-sided, or there’s a consistent lack of effort, then it may be time to part ways.
Unfounded fears
Often, though, as Emma says, the cause of a friend being distant will turn out to be something unrelated to how they feel about you. Usually, it’s not personal. Doubts about whether someone likes you can often be magnified by heightened emotions.
Humans are wired to seek out belonging – so, when people feel their security is threatened, they panic. It’s completely normal to have these doubts, however unrealistic they might be. But learning how to manage them can boost feelings of security in the present as well as hope about friendship in the future.
Working through the worry
Channel kindness and objectivity when coping with your concerns.
1. Doubt your doubts
Emma suggests examining the situation objectively: ‘Try putting your thoughts on trial like you would with a jury. What evidence do you have for your doubts? If a friend hasn’t texted you back, consider all the reasons behind why that might be. Is this a pattern or a one-off?’
2. Take a screen break
Although social media is great for interacting with friends, it can lead to negative comparisons. If you’re not feeling secure in your friendships, it might be time to stop scrolling for a while and find ways to reconnect with the real world. A walk outdoors or a chat with a family member might help you see things from a new perspective.
3. Reach out
If the doubts don’t go away, think about how you could connect honestly with friends about your worries. Often, the fear of being rejected is worse than the reality. Talking through issues and resolving problems together can lay to rest any worries.
4. Be your own ally
As mentioned earlier, some friendship insecurities arise from low self-esteem, so be kind to yourself. Try to tune into your ‘inner cheerleader’. What do you love about yourself? What makes you proud? By reminding yourself of all the wonderful qualities you have, you’ll increasingly come to understand why other people value you. Then it’ll seem easier to believe that they genuinely want to be friends.
