Learn how to stop overthinking regrets, understand your feelings, and move forward with Teen Breathe’s practical tips for teens.
You’re trying to sleep but your mind keeps playing through mistakes you’ve made…
It might be something you wish you hadn’t said, an embarrassing moment, a missed opportunity, or a time you unintentionally upset someone.
Overthinking an error is easily done, but it can make you feel anxious or low. When approached carefully, though, it’s possible to learn from your regrets and find a way to put them behind you.
Why regret is a natural feeling
Almost everyone feels regret occasionally – it’s part of being human. There are all sorts of reasons why you may have said or done what you did. Perhaps you made a quick decision and didn’t have time to think things through, maybe emotions were heightened, or you weren’t sure about what you really wanted. You might have been swayed by others and found yourself saying something you didn’t mean.
Understanding the cause of regrets
‘Usually, when someone takes a course of action that leads to regrets, it’s because they’re using the best information they have available at the time,’ says Marianne Trent, a clinical psychologist. ‘Regrets often arise as a result of having the benefit of hindsight.’
This remorseful feeling can be hard to shift. ‘Our tricky human brains have the ability to keep things going round on a loop,’ says Marianne. ‘They do this because they don’t always get the memo that it’s not helpful. The brain is attempting to make sure we avoid slip-ups in future or carrying on trying to solve a problem that there might not even be an answer to.’
This may result in an inner monologue that’s fixed on what you ‘should’ or ‘could’ have done. lf the voice in your head is overly critical, you may find that a regret becomes deeper-seated and lodged as a repetitive thought pattern.
It’s important to be forgiving of yourself. Feeling remorseful is just a natural response to a situation that you wish you could change.
How regrets can teach life lessons
As hard as it feels to have regrets, they do allow you to learn about yourself, your values, and what truly matters to you.
For example, if you’re feeling remorseful over not being there for a friend who was having a hard time, it’s worth asking yourself why you weren’t around for them. Were you anxious or unsure about how best to help them or scared of doing the wrong thing?
Your regret shows that it matters to you to be a good friend and might even indicate that you need support to learn to feel more confident about your ability to listen to and help others.
Often, regrets come from missed opportunities and they highlight the things that matter most to you. Maybe you’re frustrated with yourself for not revising for an exam then getting a disappointing grade. Ask yourself if you generally tend to put things off, find it hard to focus, or feel overwhelmed by revision. Was there anything else going on in your life at the time that got in the way and prevented you from studying?
If you’re beating yourself up for not putting yourself forward for the school play, even though you wanted to, that might be a sign that you need to build up confidence about trying new things.
How to turn regret into positive action
Exploring why you regret something as well as your reasons for behaving in a certain way enables you to consider how you could prepare better in the future. More importantly, it’s a chance to show yourself compassion. No one gets it right all the time.
Tips to stop overthinking & move on
As hard as regrets can be to deal with, it’s possible to move ahead. Try Teen Breathe’s four tips to avoid overthinking:
1 BREATHE EASY. Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose. Hold that for a moment and exhale through your mouth.
Repeat twice more, staying focused on your breath. This can help you to enter a calmer space.
2 TAKE ACTION. When you’re feeling calmer, think about whether there are any steps you could take either now or in the short-term to help your mind stop trying to ‘solve the problem’. This might include jotting down your thoughts (you can use the space on the page opposite) or making a plan for how to tackle it over the next few days.
3 EAT AND SLEEP. Give yourself permission to rest and refuel. Repetitive and intrusive thoughts often crop up when people are tired or feel stressed. Try to sleep well, eat balanced meals, and stay hydrated. This will help build your resilience.
4 REACH OUT. If you’re feeling distressed by the churning thoughts, it could be a sign that you need some support to process them.
Talk to a guardian or another trusted adult, maybe a school counsellor, who can help you to get the support you need.
This article was originally published under the title Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve in Issue 41 – Embrace the Bloom. You can get this issue here to enjoy more mindful inspiration.
