Discover why we put up emotional defences and the impact they have on our relationships and sense of self. Learn how lowering these barriers can bring greater confidence and connection, with a bonus downloadable activity to gently guide you.
It’s natural for your defences to go up every now and then, especially when things go awry.
Picture a castle with its drawbridge pulled up, or a big house with iron gates firmly shut. Do you ever wonder what lies beyond those boundaries? Gates, moats, and turrets are all forms of defence.
They serve as barriers to protect what’s inside – the people, a property, or both. In a similar way, humans also build defences to protect themselves and their self-esteem. Someone might lie if they’re (correctly) accused of cheating on a test, snap back if their skills are critiqued in drama class, or judge others’ appearances harshly if they feel insecure.
There are also certain defensive types of behaviour, such as avoiding people, acting aggressively, or not giving something a try. Often these defence mechanisms do their job, shielding people from hurt or embarrassment. Yet sometimes they can increase feelings of sadness and worry.
Why do we build emotional defences?
From the moment a child is born they learn about themselves and the world – and how sometimes things happen that upset them. It could be the cold or lack of cuddles for a toddler, while for a student it might mean being excluded or criticised.
Let’s take the student as an example. If the criticisms are frequent, they’ll naturally form defences to protect their feelings and prevent themselves becoming engulfed in the negative energy.
There are several ways these defences might show up. Have you ever noticed someone saying ‘I don’t care’ when they clearly do? This is a defence. They’re acting as if something doesn’t upset them when deep down it truly does cause distress.
Another person might laugh when all they really want to do is cry. This is a defence against being vulnerable. By pretending that something is funny rather than hurtful or upsetting, they’re protecting themselves from further hurt.
Some people have plenty of defences whereas others have only a few. Your personality and your life experience so far will influence how many you have.
When defences hold you back
Remember that drawbridge? It protects the castle and its occupants, but it also has the potential to become a blockade that won’t let anything in or out. What was once a fortress turns into a prison where someone feels trapped.
In a similar way, your individual defences start as a way of steeling yourself for attack in the moment. If they end up being the only means of dealing with difficulties, however, then your true feelings don’t get acknowledged. And this could hinder how you communicate.
It’s important to recognise the role that defences play in protecting a person’s self-esteem against perceived threats.
If defences are in place all the time, though, it can hold you back rather than keep you safe.
What can you do to lower your defences?
First, get to know your own defences by thinking about difficult situations. For example, how do you react when people criticise you?
Do you:
- Blame other people?
- Lie or make excuses?
- Accept the criticism, be kind to yourself and use the feedback to make helpful changes where appropriate?
The first two are defences. By popping up to protect your self-esteem, they block any potential for helpful feedback. No one likes criticism or being in the wrong, but people tend to learn more from mistakes than by getting things right all the time. This is why the third is the most effective option.
Second, identify whether your defences are helping or harming you. Let’s say you make a mistake and then lie about it. You’ve probably done this in the past so that people won’t think badly of you. Yet when others find out you’ve lied, they end up getting even mor upset with you.
This is an indication that your defence mechanism is holding you back. It also suggests you need to instead act in a non-defensive way. Taking a big breath then owning up to your mistake is courageous and others will respect you more for doing so.
Steps to move forward & grow
Learning to face difficult interactions without falling back on defensive instincts involves being more in touch with your feelings and open to different ways of behaving. Getting to know your defences so you can keep them in check means you won’t get trapped behind big iron gates.
It’s OK to feel hurt, upset, and embarrassed at times. Making mistakes is all part of living. Learning to respond constructively rather than reacting defensively means you – and those around you – can feel, communicate, and behave in a way that works well for everyone.
Ready to take control? Sometimes keeping track of your defences can help. Download our mindfulness activity PDF & take control of the drawbridge & learn/track why your defences go up.
Take control of your emotional drawbridge with our mindfulness activity PDF. Use it to track your defences and discover ways to build healthier reactions.
💝 DOWNLOAD YOUR DRAWBRIDGE CHECK-IN 💝
This article was originally published under the title Let Your Walls Down in Issue 36 – Celebrate Summer. You can get this issue here to enjoy more mindful inspiration.
