It can hurt when a friend cancels plans, but there are ways to move past the disappointment and make the most out of your day.
You’ve put on your favourite fit, tried out your new mermaid hair curler, and you’re ready to head out the door. As you check that you’ve got everything you need, your phone pings with a message from the friend you’ve arranged to meet: ‘Sorry, can’t make it after all.’
When someone cancels plans like this, it’s perfectly understandable to be disappointed – particularly if it happens at the last minute. You might have been excited about going somewhere fun together, like the movies or your favourite book shop, or simply looking forward to spending time with them.
It’s nothing personal
Sometimes people have no choice but to cancel without much notice. They might be feeling unwell or suddenly need to babysit a younger sibling, for example. However frustrating, it just can’t be helped. On other occasions, the reason might not seem quite as pressing or your friend might not even give you an explanation. If this is the case, remember that it’s about the person cancelling, not you. Being let down like this can give your self-esteem a knock, so it often helps to understand why a friend might have cancelled, especially when they don’t give a concrete reason.
Some people have difficulty sticking to commitments or managing their time. They might secretly find social situations stressful or challenging. If your friend is anxious about socialising, cancelling might be their way of dealing with this worry. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with you – it’s just that their anxiety around meeting up can make it hard to go through with plans.
It’s also worth remembering that some people also struggle to say ‘no’ in the moment and find themselves agreeing to things they don’t actually have the time or energy for – possibly because they don’t want to hurt another’s feelings.
Don’t get discouraged
Think about a time when you had to cancel. Perhaps you’d agreed to an activity that you didn’t feel confident in – for example, you accepted an invite to go ice-skating with friends, even though you find it difficult to keep your balance on the ice. Maybe you were worried about falling over, so decided to drop out, or just didn’t have the energy after a busy week to join in, however much you wanted to. The important thing to remember is not to feel bad about yourself if someone cancels. It’s highly unlikely to be because of something you’ve done. At the same time, don’t feel you need to hide your disappointment.
How to be honest
It’s often hard to know how to reply to a last-minute ‘Can’t make it’ text. You don’t want to make a friend feel bad, but brushing it off with a simple ‘No worries’ might imply that you don’t mind and reinforce that you’re OK with being cancelled on last minute. It’s important to acknowledge your emotions and let your friend know that you care about what’s happened, especially if you suspect there’s a deeper reason behind their no-show. And it’s good to suggest rearranging plans, so that you have something you can look forward to together.
A few gracious ways you could respond include:
- ‘Thanks for letting me know. That’s a shame that you can’t make it – I was really looking forward to seeing you.’
- ‘Could we pick another day? I understand you can’t make it today, but it would be nice to hang out some other time.’
- ‘I hope you’re OK. I’ve noticed we’ve had to cancel a few times lately. If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here.
When to draw the line
Although it’s best to give friends the benefit of the doubt and understand that everyone cancels plans occasionally, if the same person keeps doing this to you, it might be time to have a deeper chat with them. Have they let you down a lot? Is it often hard to get them to commit to things? Do you find yourself feeling regularly upset by their behaviour? These can be signs that they aren’t the most reliable person to be friends with.
Often space is needed and stepping back to reflect on the situation can offer a new perspective. If you can, arrange to meet friends who make the effort to spend time with you and whose company you enjoy.
Have a back-up plan
If you’re just about to head out and a friend suddenly cancels, it’s natural to feel upset or hurt. But once the news has sunk in, you can still enjoy yourself. Could you arrange something impromptu? If other friends were meant to come along, you might still be able to see them or do something else together.
If it’s truly too late to make new plans, use this time to do something you like. Maybe watch a favourite movie, settle down with a good book or, if you enjoy cooking, have a go at the recipes on page 20. What about going for a relaxing walk in nature and enjoying the sights and sounds around you?
Your original plans may not be possible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good day. Make the most of the time you’ve been given back to focus on yourself. Doing something you know you’ll enjoy won’t ever be a letdown.
