Here’s some ways to stop envy from turning into something more destructive.
“The key is to focus on what you have rather than what you don’t have.”
Envy is a regular thing. You might envy what someone has, like the latest smartphone, or what they appear to be: super cool with a life that seems way more glamorous than your own (at least it does on social media). But envying what someone has is one thing, it crosses over into jealousy when you start to have negative or spiteful feelings about the person who seems to have what you want.
HOW TO RECOGNISE FEELINGS OF JEALOUSY
When you feel jealous, you might sense that someone or a situation is threatening something you value highly, like a friendship or any relationship that you don’t want to lose. It’s common to feel jealous if you think you need to compete for someone’s attention. Jealousy affects both boys and girls although the latter, who are sometimes more open and in touch with their emotions, are often perceived to be jealous, regardless of whether or not that’s the case.
Extreme jealousy can make you feel angry, anxious and threatened. It can also destroy relationships and lead to depression. So it’s important to think long and hard as to why someone or something is making you feel bad about yourself. If you believe that a close friend or sibling is more popular, smarter, funnier or better looking than you, it can make you turn against them for no good reason. They could have been a great friend and emotional support to you for years but suddenly, you start to feel that it’s not fair that they have what you want and that, somehow, they are better than you. The reasons will vary but try not to let jealousy get the upper hand.
HOW TO AVOID COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Comparing yourself to others in terms of ‘who’s best’ is a dangerous game to play as there’ll always be someone who has more than you – even if it’s just more likes on Instagram. The key is to focus on what you have rather than what you don’t have. So if you’re jealous of someone’s sporting or academic ability, try to turn it into a positive thing and use it to motivate you. Work on improving your own skills and developing your own talents rather than focusing on theirs and don’t let jealousy destroy what was otherwise a perfectly good relationship.
Try to remember that no one is perfect and no one has a perfect life, it’s all about how you perceive them. The person you believe everyone wants to be like because they’re the most popular one in the group might just be the loudest or the most outgoing. Another way to look at it is that they might be a bit of a show-off, desperate for attention, or they might just be quite bossy and want everyone in the group to do exactly what they want. Over time, people may tire of them because they’re quite demanding. Quieter, more introverted types can often be overshadowed in a group of friends, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less interesting or aren’t valued.
HOW TO DEAL WHEN SOMEONE IS JEALOUS OF YOU
Jealousy can also be a problem if someone is treating you in an unpleasant way because you’re the one who’s the high achiever at school or popular socially. Being on the receiving end of someone’s spiteful behaviour is upsetting as it can make you feel guilty for doing well or for being liked.
Jealousy sometimes comes from self-doubt or feelings of isolation, so if someone is acting in a jealous way when you get the top exam results or do well at sports it may not be because they particularly dislike you. They might be upset with themselves for what they perceive as their own lack of academic or athletic ability. It’s best not to lash out at them – either face to face or on social media – as this may make the situation worse. Instead, try to highlight something they’re good at and praise them for it.
It can become a problem if so-called friends are continuously spreading jealous rumours or teasing you unnecessarily. If the situation doesn’t improve, the answer might be to move on. Instead of sticking around to let them torment you, you could consider cutting them loose and find a new group of friends to hang out with. After all, true friends would never make you feel bad about yourself.
5 TIPS FOR COPING WITH JEALOUSY
- Focus on what you have rather than what you don’t have
- Turn any negative thoughts into positive self-motivation
- Don’t let jealousy ruin a good friendship
- Realise you can’t control what others think of you
- Remember that no one’s perfect and difference is exciting
