Making friends who truly accept you can be tough – especially if you’re neurodivergent. An education consultant with autism shares practical tips to help you stay authentic and build meaningful connections on your own terms.
Friendship isn’t always easy. Whether you’re making new friends or maintaining existing bonds, the process often involves understanding a long list of social dos and don’ts – and that can feel especially tricky if you’re neurodivergent. The good news? Neurodivergent people are more than capable of building deep, fulfilling friendships. It just helps to have a roadmap that works for the way your brain is wired.
WHY FRIENDSHIPS CAN FEEL HARDER WHEN YOU’RE NEURODIVERGENT
Neurodiversity is a term that’s been around since the 1990s and covers a range of natural brain variations, including autism, ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia. While every neurodivergent individual is unique, those with autism or ADHD often end up feeling misunderstood, confused or anxious in social situations – sometimes being labelled ‘intense’, ‘over-sensitive’ or even ‘antisocial’ when none of those things are true.
You might find yourself monologuing about a special interest, accidentally interrupting others, stimming through movement or sound, or placing huge meaning on a single friendship (sometimes called the ‘fawn response’). Over time, these experiences can chip away at your trust in others. But knowing what’s going on – and meeting yourself with kindness – makes everything easier.
4 WAYS TO BUILD AND MAINTAIN FRIENDSHIPS
Simone de Hoogh, founder of PowerWood (which aims to raise awareness of neurodiversity and celebrate it as a positive force), says neurodivergent people need to ‘be who we are’ while also learning ‘how to play the game’. Here are four ideas to help.
1 LEARN THE THREE MAIN TYPES OF FRIENDSHIP
Understanding that not every friendship has to look the same can take a lot of pressure off. There are three main categories:
- Occasional – people you have pleasant everyday interactions with but aren’t especially close to, like neighbours or classmates.
- Interest-based – those with whom you share a common interest or hobby.
- Soulmate-based – someone you feel you can be your true self with.
While the first two are fairly common, Simone says soulmate-based friendships are rare to find until adulthood. Try making a list of the people in your life who fall into each category – it can help you see your current friendships clearly and identify areas where you’d like to develop more connections. And don’t worry if your lists are short, or even empty. Everyone’s different.
2 SET ACHIEVABLE FRIENDSHIP GOALS
Interest-based friendships are common for people with autism or ADHD, so a great starting point is joining a local club or online community dedicated to one of your special interests. If you’d prefer to make some occasional friends, you could plan conversations in advance (known as ‘scripting’).
Simone suggests this approach for making friends at school: identify a person – or group of people – who feels safe. Go and stand with them and say ‘hello’. Once you feel comfortable (which could take minutes, days, or weeks), ask them a planned question like ‘What did you do on the weekend?’ Small, repeatable steps build real connection over time.
3 SHARE YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES
You don’t have to share your neurodiversity with anyone if you don’t want to, but expressing your needs to people you trust can be incredibly helpful. Autistic people often find it hard to read body language or pick up on sarcasm, so if you’re unsure whether a friend is being serious or joking, it’s completely fine to ask for clarification. Most people will want to help you understand.
If you’re easily overstimulated, you could explain this and ask a friend to come to your house instead of meeting somewhere busy. If you need rest in the evening, let friends know you won’t be able to message back and forth. And if longer hangouts are tough, Simone suggests saying something like: ‘Thank you so much for inviting me. I can’t be out for more than a couple of hours, so which part would you prefer I came to?’
4 BE A FRIEND TO YOURSELF
Sometimes people feel like they’ve failed if they don’t have a certain number of friends. Writer Charlie Thorne (AKA Charlie Rewilding), who shares her experiences of neurodiversity online, puts it beautifully: ‘I felt huge pressure when I was growing up to have a “best friend”. I felt like there was something wrong with me for not having one. Taking the pressure off finding a “best friend” has been very freeing.’
Friendship isn’t always straightforward, but being kind to yourself always makes the ups and downs easier to navigate. You don’t need a packed social calendar to be doing it right – you just need to be true to you.
WHERE TO FIND MORE SUPPORT
More helpful tips are available from groups including Yellow Ladybugs at yellowladybugs.com.au and The A List at alisthub.com.au.
WORDS: Helen Hillman
This article was originally published under the title True to You in Issue 49. You can get this issue here to enjoy more mindful inspiration.
