Being yourself doesn’t mean behaving the same way in every situation. It’s completely OK to go from playful to serious or outgoing to quiet – and still be authentically you. Here’s how to tell the difference between healthy adapting and hiding your true self.
A ‘social chameleon’ is someone who naturally shifts their behaviour to suit who they’re with and where they are – quieter in class, sillier at lunch, more thoughtful at the dinner table. It’s something pretty much everyone does, and it’s often a sign of social awareness rather than fakeness. But there’s a line between healthy adapting and hiding the real you, and learning to spot it can make a big difference to your confidence and friendships.
IS IT NORMAL TO ACT DIFFERENTLY AROUND DIFFERENT PEOPLE?
In class, you might be attentive and quiet for the teacher. At lunchtime, you could be funny and outgoing, playing games and being silly with friends. In the evening, you might chat to your parents or siblings about current events and politics, eager to share your own views and hear theirs.
It’s completely normal for people to adjust their behaviour according to who they’re with, what they’re doing and the situation they’re in – people of all ages do this. But it can feel inauthentic when the dominant message around you seems to be about the importance of being your ‘real self’ all the time. The truth is that everyone has many sides to their personality, and becoming your own person takes time. Different aspects of who you are and what’s important to you will ebb and flow as you get older.
DIFFERENT FACES FOR DIFFERENT PLACES
The sides of yourself you choose to reveal can also be a way of trying to belong, and that’s a deep human instinct. It makes sense that you’d be more playful with friends you’ve known since you were little, or more expressive of opinions with trusted adults. ‘It’s natural to instinctively behave differently with different people in different situations,’ says counsellor Georgina Sturmer. ‘Sometimes it’s a response to a generally accepted set of social standards.’
Adapting your behaviour might also be a way of making others feel comfortable. Gently mirroring someone’s energy signals that you’re welcoming of who they are, which is part of why you might feel like a slightly different version of yourself with your nan than with your best friend – and that’s totally fine.
WHAT IS MASKING?
Hiding a part of yourself is sometimes called masking. This is something everyone does on occasion and it’s part of adapting to different situations – for example, it’s probably best not to crack a joke in the middle of assembly. But it can help to ask yourself why you’re adapting.
Are you showing different but true sides of yourself, or are you doing it for other reasons? For example, are you pretending to like something when you actually have no interest in it? Or are you disguising or even denying an important part of your personality to hide the real you?
‘If we’re different in different circumstances, this might make it hard for us to figure out who we really are and how we want to behave,’ says Georgina. ‘Maybe we’re trying too hard to behave in a way that simply feels unnatural. We internalise a message that there’s something wrong with our authentic self and our actions and opinions. This can lead to problems with our confidence and self-esteem.’
WHEN MASKING BECOMES A PROBLEM
If you feel you’re masking aspects of your behaviour too often or for too long, it can be a sign that other factors are at play – especially if it leaves you feeling tired or lonely. It could be that pretending is protecting you from worries about being disliked or embarrassed.
For some people, particularly those with autism or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), masking can also be a way of trying to cope in situations where they fear their natural way of being won’t be accepted. If this is the case for you, try to talk to a trusted adult – you don’t have to carry it alone.
THE POWER OF TAKING THE MASK OFF
Whatever the reason for reaching for the mask, Georgina suggests taking note of when you feel it going on and exploring your thoughts when you take it off. ‘When we show honesty and vulnerability, it’s easier to build connections,’ she says. ‘This means that it can be easier to build friendships if we’re not busy masking our true selves.’
It’s natural to have different aspects of your personality, and it’s OK not to share them all with everyone – as long as you have friends or family members who love and welcome your whole self. When you realise it’s OK to have all these different sides, you can celebrate them and enjoy being a chameleon.
4 BENEFITS OF EMBRACING YOUR DIFFERENT SIDES
Being a social chameleon isn’t a weakness – in fact, it has some real upsides. Here are four reasons it can be helpful to embrace the many different sides of yourself.
- STRONGER SOCIAL SENSITIVITY
Reading and responding to social cues is challenging, especially for those who are neurodivergent. But noticing the behaviour of others – and, where appropriate, adapting yours accordingly – shows real awareness of other people’s feelings. That’s a skill, not a flaw.
- BROADER FRIENDSHIPS
Showing different sides of yourself helps you get along with all kinds of people. You’ll discover that it’s possible to have common ground with friends who might not seem immediately aligned with you, opening the door to richer and more varied friendships.
- GREATER SELF-AWARENESS
Taking part in the after-school debating society, for example, helps you develop your ability to talk about serious topics, while playing with friends or siblings lets you be creative and silly. Trying out different sides of yourself in different settings helps you get to know who you really are.
- DEEPER CONNECTION WITH OTHERS
When you show your quirkier side to trusted friends and loved ones, they’re encouraged to do the same. That’s how you build the kind of friendships where you get to share and celebrate sides of each other that not everyone else gets to see.
DID YOU KNOW? THE SCIENCE OF CHAMELEONS
Chameleons are tree-dwelling lizards known for their ability to change colour depending on factors like their environment and mood. Their skin cells contain reflective crystals which sit close together when the lizard is relaxed, reflecting short light wavelengths like blue. When excited or stressed, the crystals move apart and form a looser structure that reflects longer wavelengths, like red and yellow. So next time you’re shifting modes between class and lunch break, you can think of yourself as borrowing a little chameleon magic.
WHERE TO FIND SUPPORT
If you’re struggling with masking, feeling tired or lonely, or just want someone to talk to, you don’t have to figure it out on your own. There’s free, confidential support available:
- Kids Helpline – free counselling for young people aged 5–25. Call 1800 55 1800 or visit kidshelpline.com.au.
- Autism Connect – free national autism helpline. Call 1300 308 699.
You can also find tips on building friendships if you’re neurodivergent in our ‘True to You’ article from Issue 49.
WORDS: Caroline Butterwick
ILLUSTRATIONS: Maggie Stephenson
This article was originally published under the title One in a Chameleon in Issue 50. You can get this issue here to enjoy more mindful inspiration.
